How to survive a crocodile attack

On the list of useless advice, number one is the one that says if you study at university you'll get a well-paid job. Just below it is the one that says if you have a fear of public speaking, imagine naked people (not only will you be afraid, but now you'll also be traumatized). "For the rights of the working class, vote for Vox"—the same. The last thing on this list is the advice circulating around X for surviving a crocodile attack.

The voiceover in the video explaining it talks about an alligator , but illustrates it with a crocodile. It doesn't matter, it kills as much as it does . He says that if you ever get bitten by one or the other, "try to roll in the same direction as the alligator." He goes on to advise that "if you have a free arm, hit it in the eyes or the snout; and if all else fails, pretend you're dead." Perfect: stop making it difficult for it and die elegantly, with the most exquisite manners of a dandy crocodile , still like Jota from Los Planetas.

“I better bookmark this video so I can easily access it when an alligator grabs my leg,” quips @Desert__Swarm. We lose our cool over a badly called offside and find enough to blind a crocodile... Or to immediately grasp whether the beast is turning clockwise or not to roll in sync.

The animation played in X is both documented and difficult to follow in desperate moments like this. The cherry on top, however, is provided by Grok, the app's AI. Grok also advises hitting the app in the eyes and snout. He argues against playing dead, but suggests something noteworthy: "If you're underwater, aim for the palatine valve behind your tongue to force water in and trigger a nauseating sensation."

That is, in a matter of seconds, even in dirty water, locate the valve that prevents water from entering its lungs—if you can't see a jot, feel it: it has the texture "of a soft curtain," says Grok—insert your arm between its more than two thousand teeth, dodge its tongue, and stretch it as if it were the strap of a 30-kilogram blind. Water will enter it and you'll gag.

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"If the elevator falls, jump just before it hits the ground," that other piece of advice says, right? Same thing.

User @dgrenwich is shocked by this last tip. Grok acknowledges the difficulty. But he insists: it's a technique used by "experts like crocodile wrestlers."

It's already turning into a joke. "Just bribe him with some swamp fries and run," says @chemical_213. Grok doesn't give up: "Swamp fries might work if the gator cheats. But seriously, gators prefer protein to carbs."

In short, following this advice would give us less than a 1% chance of survival. The same percentage Trump wants for his new alligator-infested prison in Florida , which he's dubbed Alligator Alcatraz.

The president also has a sarcastic tip to prevent the immigrants he wants to lock up from being bitten: "We'll teach them how to escape from alligators. Don't run in a straight line. Run like this," he says, making a zigzag motion with his arms. But he knows that if he fills the prison, it won't be with immigrants, but with Americans. Trump's is truly artificial intelligence.

And we have to live with this alligator for years and follow the path it sets... We have nothing left.