Why do we feel alone even when we are surrounded by millions of people?
In the city, signs flicker on and off incessantly, and the faces of apartment buildings change frequently. The squares empty and fill to the rhythm of the nightlife, and bars lull patrons, chasing their desires night after night. Where everything changes, chasing an apparent cyclical rhythm, even solitude has changed form : it's no longer silence or the absence of people, but a feeling hidden behind notifications, incessant noises, and polite smiles.
For Haruki Murakami , Japanese writer and translator, “loneliness is not just the absence of people . It is the lack of purpose, the lack of meaning . It is perceiving one's existence in a world where everything seems alienated and distant , where every connection appears superficial and every effort to understand and know in depth is met with indifference by the Other.”
These are the words that Graziana Orefice , psychologist and cognitive behavioral psychotherapist at Unobravo , chose to describe the way the concept of solitude is changing in cities today. A concept that no longer concerns feeling alone, but rather living in a world that is losing its meaning due to individualism. According to Orefice, Muramaki's words are an invitation to shift our gaze beyond the simple presence of others. To identify solitude , especially in a context like that of cities, we need to interrogate a deeper void: that of disconnection and the absence of meaning.
"Today," Orefice explains, "loneliness manifests itself in many forms, and one of the most evident is the one felt in the heart of big cities: it's urban loneliness . You can live surrounded by millions of people and still feel invisible. The city, full of noise, messages, and notifications, gives us the illusion of being constantly connected , but often deprives us of authentic warmth. It's no coincidence that one in two people told Unobravo they feel lonely in the city where they live."
“The scenario of loneliness in the city is real, Lucio Corsi even sings about it in his Frecciabianca: 'Feeling alone in a big city/It hurts more than in my parts,' and it is an ambiguous and silent loneliness,” says Orefice. “Just think of a subway car during rush hour , with bodies close together but absent gazes, or a building with a thousand lit windows. Or, again, a park where a group of kids share the same space, but each is busy with their own phones. These are real, everyday images that tell an uncomfortable truth: even in a crowd, one can feel profoundly alone .”
According to the psychotherapist, factors such as remote working, single-person households, the accelerated pace of life , and fragile relationships contribute to this new form of modern isolation. A new context that, behind the freedom of infinite connection , hides a profound loss of belonging.
Data from metropolitan citiesLooking at Italy's major cities, data collected by Unobravo reveals that in Milan , 43% of residents experience loneliness. In Genoa, the figure rises to 44%, and in Rome , it reaches 53%. The survey also reveals that the phenomenon is far from limited to large cities: in Livorno , one in two residents confesses to this perception. The percentage rises to 62% in Trieste and 68% in Padua .
"But perhaps the most surprising statistic," explains Orefice, "is the generational one: 70% of young adults (25-34 years old) and 69% of younger adults (18-24 years old) feel lonely. This cross-sectional data gives us a different perspective on this phenomenon, often associated with older age groups: the percentage of those over 65, generally considered the most isolated, is much lower, at 33%.
A paradoxical hyperconnectionJust as for the youngest, defined by Orefice as " the most connected generation ever ," the difference between metropolises and villages reflects the same paradox that contrasts the young with the elderly. The hyperconnectivity due to social media and the ease of travel experienced by those under 35 (70% of whom identify as single) is the same one can experience in the city, where everything is within reach and, seemingly, available.
"How, then, can we explain so much loneliness, precisely among those who should have more opportunities and a denser social network? Perhaps it's what we experience every day: a paradoxical hyperconnectivity . We're constantly reachable, but rarely truly reached. Relationships are like a pack of cookies at the supermarket : we browse through faces as if we were browsing shelves, choosing the ones with the most attractive packaging, only to then remain motionless in the aisles, waiting for a better alternative. We don't 'invest' in anyone because we're constantly afraid of missing out on someone more convenient right after," says Orefice.
“Then the question inevitably arises: where can we start again ? How do we rebuild meaning, connection, and authentic roots?” asks Graziana Orefice. “James Hillman, an American psychoanalyst and philosopher, in his book 'The Soul's Code', offers us a key: everyone carries within themselves an ' acorn ,' an original calling. When we distance ourselves from that inner truth, everything tends to become more opaque. Reconnecting with that authentic core, with what nourishes us profoundly, is also the starting point for true, lasting, and nourishing relationships.”
And, according to Orefice, to recognize your "acorn," it's enough to practice small but powerful exercises to combat hyperconnection. A first step is to cultivate your relationships with commitment and authenticity , both through simple, routine gestures and with greater dedication. One attempt, therefore, can be made by a stroll among neighborhood businesses , but also by a phone call to someone with whom relationships have weakened, perhaps precisely because of hyperconnection. Local activities, such as associations, can also help you "choose" rather than being swept along by the flow.
“We also need to reframe our solitude ,” says Orefice. “Not every moment of solitude is empty. In certain periods, being alone can be an act of self-love . If experienced with awareness, that solitude can become fertile and transformative: a sacred space in which to refocus . Finally, Hillman reminds us that true connection comes from discovering who we truly are. It's not enough to 'do something with others': you need to be something with meaning. It's not enough to be together; you need to feel truly connected.”
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